My commencement speech: 2006

Originally Posted April 20th, 2007

First and foremost, I would like to thank the Dean of Students, Karen Morse for inviting me here to speak. If you are wondering where the money went to getting a commencement speaker of more status and integrity, then look no further than your Student Recreational Center. Man that’s one sweet rock-climbing wall!!!

I’d like to congratulate you on reaching a pinnacle in your educational careers. Now we can all start the exciting process of moving back into our parent’s basements.

Over the years at Western, I have learned many things.

I have learned that campus has over 3 million bricks, I think. I have also learned that 2 and a half million of these bricks are precariously dislodged and in no way help you out when you are 10 minutes late to your final exam.

I have learned that a member of our faculty can semi-publicly wish a cancer-stricken student to die, and somehow not get fired.

I have learned in 2003 that apparently Mathes hall is actually an elaborate terrorist training institution run by left-wing hippies.

I have learned that streaking in front of a camera is best done in a ski-mask during live coverage of the aforementioned residence hall.

I have learned that the best place to put level III sex offenders is within several blocks of a college campus in a poorly lit neighborhood.

I have learned that online file-sharing is, shockingly, illegal, unless, of course, no one catches you.

I have learned what plagiarism is. Plagiarism is the usurping of intellectual property, either intentional or unintentional, from a non-public domain source, without properly citing and giving due credit to the legal forbearers of said information. I came up with that one MYSELF.

I have learned that Sodexho, the food-service provider for our dormitories, also is the number one prison caterer in the United States.

I learned that downtown Bellingham has an incredibly vibrant night-life. It’s the only place you can walk a single block and see a college guy puke in the bushes, a homeless man masturbating, and a police car driving by ignoring all of this so he can go issue MIPs at a well-controlled house party

I have found that you always seem to get an MIP a week before your 21st birthday. I have also found that the 30 hours of community service getting an MIP entails is surprisingly easy to “do” if you have a knack for mimicking certain styles of handwriting.


I have learned that the free New York Time’s kiosks run out quite faster than the Western Front ones do.

I have learned that open mic at the underground coffeehouse is a great place to perform in front of a diverse audience of other musicians waiting to play and their girlfriends.


As you can see, the many great classes at Western have taught me vital life skills.

Many of you are wondering what’s next? Graduate School? Internships? Becoming one of those creepy older guys that still go to college parties?

The answer is not a simple one. For some, you may consider taking a year off, traveling around Europe, and coming back broke and hating the United States slightly more than when you left it. For others, you may wish to enter the existential hell known as working--perhaps for “the man” or perhaps for “the man known as your father at his used car dealership”. Regardless of your life’s trajectory, one thing is for certain: You WILL wish got you got a few more seconds in on that keg stand before leaving behind this glorified summer-camp.