5 Actors Who Could Never Play Convincing Normal Dudes

Originally posted January 10th, 2008.

Well, with my last blog landing in far more esoteric realms, I decided this week I would make it simple: a list of actors with some acute and witty observations about their amazing talent and complete lack of ability to play normal people. These are all actors in the peak of their histrionic prowess that possess certain features, physical or eerily subliminal, that disallow them from playing the average Joe Shlub in the latest shitty comedy. Some of them "could" hypothetically summon all of their dramatic energy and channel it into being best buds with Adam Sandler, but it'd still leave us with an unsettling feeling afterwards. Here's the list:


1) Cillian Murphy




Most of you know him as Dr. Crane AKA the Scarecrow in Batman Begins. I know him as "The Eyes". Even if you see him telling someone he loves them, or is petting a kitten, be warned: some horrible shit is about to go down. You know just by looking into those bulbous, infinite blue orbs that whatever he does is going to be followed by slicing your throat with a penknife and unleashing locusts in your parents house.

2) Ben Foster



Most notable for playing characters that are absolutely, positively fucking nuts, you probably know Ben Foster best as Russell, Claire's mercurial, bi-sexual, sometimes-boyfriend in 6 Feet Under. From there he graduated to playing a self-loathing Jewish Skinhead that makes Edward Norton's American History X neo-nazi look like Hello Kitty. He's also played an Archangel of Death, a blood-thirsty vampire, and a nihilistic murderer. So no, he's probably not going to be in the next Hollywood heart-warmer anytime soon.

3) Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick



The fat guy on the right is looking calm, but right after this photo was taken, Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick AKA Damien turned towards him and said "You promised to take me to Baskin and Robbins before this. We didn't go to Baskin and Robbins" before releasing a pustule of blood-soaked larvae and fire-ants from his forehead. There is an obvious reason why this kid was cast in the newest incarnation of The Omen. It's because he IS the child of Satan. Sheesh, when are they gonna start hiring actors instead of reciting incantations at casting calls and conjuring up the spawn of Beezelbub?

4) Christian Bale



I'll admit, Christian Bale has played normal guys before. Hell, he was even a Newsie! But that doesn't mean he can convincing pull down the Everyman schtick like, say, Tom Hanks. Want proof? Try to find evidence of him telling a joke in any of the movies he's ever been in. Do you get the creepy feeling that he's about to stab whoever he's joking with? If not, maybe you have a sick, sick sense of humor or you're somehow missing the perpetual maniacal glow in his eyes (the same glow that allows him to lose 200 pounds for a low-budget indie film like it was no big deal).

5) Jeremy Davies



Jeremy Davies will always be a slimeball. Or a sleaze-bucket. Or someone with 1001 ticks, idiosyncracies, and obsessive-compulsive neuroses. But he will never, ever, ever be the guy you trust to diffuse the bomb and save the city in the nick of time. Davies has played a lot of great characters over the years, from a small part as a Press Corps member in Saving Private Ryan to an emaciated, Mansonish character in the new Werner Herzog film Rescue Dawn, and he's definitely an underrated and underused actor. Just don't expect him to be Aquaman.