Pull this string and he talksIts probably not that controversial of a statement, yet it is one I feel so deeply passionate about, I had to write about it. Go ahead. Scour the internet. Watch all of your old movies you got at the Hollywood Video 5 for $20 sale. Take exit polls of 2nd run movie theaters. I dare you to find a worse headlining actor than Hayden Christensen.
This opinion didn't come to full fruition until the other night when I watched the movie Factory Girl, a so-so flick with Sienna Miller as Edie Sedgewick, Guy Pierce gaying it up as Andy Warhol, and Mena Suvari as some psuedo-lesbian that comes in every once in a while to inject dexadrine into Edie's ass. All well and good, until Mr. Skywalker comes in portraying this guy.
Thats Bob Dylan by the way, in case you though it was maybe Gary Oldman in the new secret Harry Potter movie. Anyway, Christensen does such a horrible Dylan impression its a surprise he wasn't asked to be in I'm Not There. It seriously appears as if he's never seen or heard Bob Dylan in his life; he mumbles a bit, tries to look profoundly through hazy eyes, but other than that, just comes off like his character in Shattered Glass but hungover. It is a staggeringly inaccurate performance and was so cringe-worthy I almost felt compelled to fast-forward to the scenes where Andy Warhol is masturbating to pictures of shirtless men.
Even worse was that I picked up the "Unrated, Uncut, Totally Sexy" edit of this movie, which usually means a few more boobs, possibly ones you don't wish to see, and maybe a visual gag involving semen. Little did I know it would mean one of the least sexy, most excruciatingly long love scenes involving the Worst Living Actor in America in what can only be described as Robert Goulet's Love Den.
The sheepskin rug that roughed it through multiple takes of Christensen's adolescent thrusting
The scene was very difficult on my boner, as it had a very hot Sienna Miller and then a very awkward and confused teenager with a faux-pompadour pretending like he knew how to take a bra off. Anyway, watch this movie and you'll really have to struggle not to agree with me. I'm surprised hes gotten such large roles, considering he should be in Uli Lommel films. Well, lets maybe not go that far.
Okay, lets go through the checklist. Make readers throw-up. Check. Establish Hayden Christensen as horrible. Check. Hmmm... sideswipe I'm Not There. Yep. There's gotta be one other thing. Oh yeah, I know. Tease my next blog. Here's a hint; see if you can guess what it is going to be about!
No, its not about ugly basketball players, but close!
This opinion didn't come to full fruition until the other night when I watched the movie Factory Girl, a so-so flick with Sienna Miller as Edie Sedgewick, Guy Pierce gaying it up as Andy Warhol, and Mena Suvari as some psuedo-lesbian that comes in every once in a while to inject dexadrine into Edie's ass. All well and good, until Mr. Skywalker comes in portraying this guy.
Thats Bob Dylan by the way, in case you though it was maybe Gary Oldman in the new secret Harry Potter movie. Anyway, Christensen does such a horrible Dylan impression its a surprise he wasn't asked to be in I'm Not There. It seriously appears as if he's never seen or heard Bob Dylan in his life; he mumbles a bit, tries to look profoundly through hazy eyes, but other than that, just comes off like his character in Shattered Glass but hungover. It is a staggeringly inaccurate performance and was so cringe-worthy I almost felt compelled to fast-forward to the scenes where Andy Warhol is masturbating to pictures of shirtless men.
Even worse was that I picked up the "Unrated, Uncut, Totally Sexy" edit of this movie, which usually means a few more boobs, possibly ones you don't wish to see, and maybe a visual gag involving semen. Little did I know it would mean one of the least sexy, most excruciatingly long love scenes involving the Worst Living Actor in America in what can only be described as Robert Goulet's Love Den.
The sheepskin rug that roughed it through multiple takes of Christensen's adolescent thrusting
The scene was very difficult on my boner, as it had a very hot Sienna Miller and then a very awkward and confused teenager with a faux-pompadour pretending like he knew how to take a bra off. Anyway, watch this movie and you'll really have to struggle not to agree with me. I'm surprised hes gotten such large roles, considering he should be in Uli Lommel films. Well, lets maybe not go that far.
Okay, lets go through the checklist. Make readers throw-up. Check. Establish Hayden Christensen as horrible. Check. Hmmm... sideswipe I'm Not There. Yep. There's gotta be one other thing. Oh yeah, I know. Tease my next blog. Here's a hint; see if you can guess what it is going to be about!
No, its not about ugly basketball players, but close!
No comments:
Post a Comment